


You Weren't Down for Forever

by andiebeaword



Series: Spencer Reid Mature One Shots [5]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Broken Engagement, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mutual Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24565570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andiebeaword/pseuds/andiebeaword
Summary: So while on tumblr, I cam across a post made by pprettyboyreid talking about their request for a song fic. Granted, I had never heard the song before, but I downloaded it, listened to it, and my heart BROKE. Now, here I am writing my version of this fic. A small part may be smutty, but this will be (obviously) mostly angst. Like, heavy angst. Trigger Warning: there is mention of a death{by suicide}. This is truly my most angsty fic, ever. I haven't written anything this dark since my early college days writing poetry.Relationship: Was together for almost four years. Broken proposal. One night stand after a year. Heartbroken.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Series: Spencer Reid Mature One Shots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115516
Kudos: 32





	You Weren't Down for Forever

**Author's Note:**

> This one made me sad writing it, but I hope you find it beautiful nonetheless.

I was distracted  
And in traffic  
I didn't feel it  
When the earthquake happened  
But it really got me thinkin'  
Were you out drinkin'  
Were you in the living room  
Chillin' watchin' television  
It's been a year now  
Think I've figured out how  
How to let you go and let communication die out

•Reader•

It's been 372 days since I told the love of my life that I wouldn't marry him. It wasn't that I didn't love him, god no, I loved that man with everything I had left in me. The problem was, I felt broken the minute I laid eyes on him. I was going through a painful divorce the day our eyes met at the local coffee shop on 5th Avenue. I was regrettably reminded of that day the second I noticed him sitting alone in what used to be our spot, in the corner, tucked away from the world. As I sipped on my espresso, I caught eye of a blonde making her way over to sit next to him. Hurt threatened to consume me as I watched this woman wrap her arms around his neck and nuzzle into the spot I always imagined was reserved for me. I literally could hate myself right now. 

"Y/N? Are you sure you're okay?" My best friend, Victoria, who knew all about...Spencer...had asked me out for coffee, not exactly knowing that this place used to be our spot. She was visiting from California and was not familiar with the streets of Quantico. I managed to tear my gaze away from him and gave my friend a sad look. Without even thinking, Victoria turned around nonchalantly, and caught eye of Spencer's unruly hair. She spun back around rather quickly, shooting me an apologetic look. "Oh, Y/N, I swear, if I had known...we can go somewhere else, really." I thought about it. "Hey, I gotta run to the restroom real quick, and then we'll leave, okay?" I nodded. As Victoria disappeared, I noticed our old spot was now vacant as well. 

"Spencer, stop!" I said, being tickle tortured to the floor of his apartment. We had now been together for nine months. I was in heaven. Only on occasion, did I have nightmares about my ex. Spencer knew this. And, I had thought, understood it, too. We had been in the middle of playing Monopoly, a game I soon discovered was one of Spencer's favorites. 

"Never, only because I love hearing your laugh a little too much." See, these were the phrases he would say that would just melt me into a lovesick puddle. It was, strangely, during this moment that I caught myself thinking, I could see him as my forever. However, I was still adamantly against marriage after the man I thought was to be my happily ever after broke every ounce of will I had left to do that shit all over again. 

"Then by all mean, tickle me until I die." 

"Y/N? Ready to go?" Victoria pulled me out of my memories. I finished my cup of coffee, dropped the cup into the trash, and headed out the door, taking one last look at the corner seat. 

\-------♥-------- 

"Fuck, baby!" I cried out as I hit another high from another man I'll never remember to call by his name. As he pulled out of me and emptied himself onto my stomach, he hurriedly crawled off the bed, running to the bathroom to grab what I could only imagine was wipes to clean himself off of me. Once he was done, he quickly dressed himself and I walked him back to my door. "Thanks for the shag." 

"Anytime, baby doll. You got my number." 

I shut the door. That guy had to of been the fifteenth or so to sleep with me after one too many drinks down at the bar. If anyone was going to call me a whore, it might as well be me. I ruined the one good thing I had, all over some persistent insecurity I still can't seem to shake. I know I can never take back the words Spencer and I had said to each other. That night we crossed a line that, no matter how much either one of us, or both, want to take it back, we simply just....can't. 

•Spencer•

The coffee shop on 5th Avenue. Boy, does that place bring back memories. I hadn't realized it until it was too late, once Emma had boasted about coming here since a friend of hers dragged her here while I was away on a case. The moment I opened the door, hearing the bell ring, I shot a glance at the seat in the back corner. Our spot. I made our order and, without thinking, sat down in the very same tethered booth, letting myself take in the smells and memories. God, I hate myself. I was a jerk, letting Y/N go like that. I sighed into my coffee cup, letting my mind drift off to places it shouldn't. 

"No peaking," I said as I tied the blindfold over my girlfriend's eyes. We had been together for nearly four years. The best years of my life, really. Tonight, I knew would be the perfect night to propose. We had casually talked about it, and I knew she had her reservations about walking down the aisle again, but I can't count how many times I had reassured her that I wasn't him. That I'll never be him. Surely, that was enough? It had to be. 

We had just pulled up to our favorite restaurant. I opened her door for her, guiding her until we were shown our table. The string lights and the cascading waterfall we could see from our seats were just purely an added bonus. I had carefully taken the blindfold off, noting not to mess her well styled hair she must have spent hours doing. She was always breathtaking to me, regardless of her state of hair or dress, for that matter. 

"My god, Spencer, you shouldn't have!" The thrill in her voice brought goosebumps to my every waking nerve. I would do practically anything for this woman. Apparently I had spoken too soon. "Oh, no. Spencer, you really shouldn't have." Y/N starts to stand from her chair and panic overtakes my face in a heartbeat. 

"Y/N, please, just hear me out," I cried. I frantically pulled the box out of my pocket, taking the ring out to show her. "Please, Y/N, I love you. I want nothing more than to be your husband. One who will grow old with you. I promise." As I was there, down on one knee, all I could hear was her sobs. And they didn't sound happy. 

"I can't, Spence. I wish I could. God, I wish I could say yes. But, I can't. I love you, Spencer Reid. But I won't marry you." And just like that, I felt my heart combust. Like Y/N took my gun from me and shot me dead. Suddenly, I no longer felt...anything. Not love, not pain, just....nothing. 

"Then, I guess...we're over. Y/N. I love you. But, I want to get married. Have kids. Celebrate anniversaries together. I deserve to be with someone who wants that. It kills me that you don't." 

"I did want that. Hell, I thought I had that!" Y/N began screaming, causing other patrons to stop what they were doing and draw their eyes towards us. "I just...feel broken." There it was. The reason why my entire world crashed in an instant. 

"I never thought you were ever broken, Y/N. But, that is something only you can fix." With that, I got up and left, leaving the love of my life with the ring she refused to wear to show that she loved me. If she ever loved me. 

"Hey, Spencer, this is cozy spot." Emma sat down next me, rubbing her entire side up against mine. We'd been together now for two months. Slowly, she was helping me put the pieces of me back together after what happened with Y/N. As if fate had a cruel way of showing itself, I caught sight of the very woman who plagued my thoughts for longer than she ever had the right to. For a second, everything stopped. We looked at each other and it was like we were back in that restaurant. Back before it all went to shit. 

Another second passed, and Emma had pulled my attention back to her, asking me about where we should go for a weekend getaway. Not long after, Emma had to leave to head in for work. I decided it was time I left as well. I couldn't risk bumping into Y/N again. Too painful. 

\-------♥-------- 

I was back in my apartment. One I have only been living in for the last six months. Weeks after our break up, Y/N carefully moved all her things out while I was away for work. By the end of it, all she left was her keys, the ring, and a note. 

Spencer,  
Please know I never meant to hurt you.  
You're right. How could I have truly loved you  
when all of me is broken? How is that fair to you?  
I hope you still find love.  
With someone who isn't broken. Someone who will  
say yes when you go down on one knee.  
I can't look at it anymore. Do what you want with it.  
~Y/N 

I threw her note in the trash bin and within a day or so after that, went back to the jeweler who was kind enough to take the ring back and give me 3/4 of what I paid back. I had always laughed at other men who were either told 'no' while proposing, or worse, being stood up at the altar. I had always believed with every fiber of my being that she would say yes. I dwell on that thought a little too long. We should've been married by now, maybe with a baby on the way. 

Now, here I was, with a woman who was showing me every bit of kindness and warmth that Y/N had, the only difference was Emma doesn't have a black cloud of brokenness following her around. She's like the sunshine that puts all the brightest days to shame. 

And here I was, still thinking about Y/N. 

I pull out my phone, hoping to see a message from Emma. I don't. 

A terrible thought crosses my mind. A thought that could get me into nothing but trouble. 

Spencer📱: I saw you in the coffee shop on 5th Avenue today. 

The second I hit send, a new message popped up. 

Y/N📱: Glad to see you've moved on. You deserve it. 

\-------♥-------- 

I know you know we know you weren't down for forever and it's fine  
I know you know we know we weren't meant for each other and it's fine

But if the world was ending  
You'd come over right  
You'd come over and you'd stay the night  
Would you love me for the hell of it  
All our fears would be irrelevant  
If the world was ending  
You'd come over right

•Reader•

I can't believe I just did that. After all this time, I did that. I texted him. I texted him, knowing he was with someone else now. One problem: Spencer texted me too. At the same time. That's gotta be a sure fire coincidence? Right? 

Over the following month, we couldn't stop. We even called each other a few times. It started to feel like, maybe, we could end up being friends. Maybe that was all we were truly destined to be. I felt my heart swell at the thought. This way, Spencer could be in my life, again, but without the pain and fear of him hating me over not wanting to marry him. Surely, his new girlfriend would understand. 

One night, while on a call with him, I casually asked if he'd be okay with seeing my new place, maybe stay for a movie, the way we used to before we ever became a couple. To my surprise, Spencer agreed. 

\-------♥-------- 

"Your place looks nice, Y/N. Very...you," Spencer said, taking a seat on my couch. 

"Thank you," I said with a smile on my face. While I went to my kitchen to grab us some beers, I saw Spencer peeping around, looking at the various framed photographs I had both hanging on the walls and on my various bookshelves. Not one had him in them, despite the countless one I had at one point. 

"Figures you didn't bother to keep any of me." There it was. That passive-aggressive attitude that Spencer commonly fell into at the start of any fight we've ever had. It might at well have been his trademark. 

"I burned them all weeks after we broke up. I knew what I did was unforgivable." I said, shamefully staring at my shoes, meekly. 

"Right. Must've thought I was a pretty shitty boyfriend, then." Now, that hurt. I never did. But, I can see how he would think so. Not many couples can ever say they continued to be with each other after a failed proposal. 

"No, you weren't Spencer." 

"Then why, Y/N? Why in God's name did you turn me down?" 

"BECAUSE I WAS BROKEN! STILL AM, ACTUALLY!" 

"WELL I FEEL LIKE I'M BROKEN NOW TOO, THANKS TO YOU!" 

Don't ask me why I did what I did next. I'm broken. Pieces of me had minds of their own, and apparently, so did Spencer's. We went from going at each other's throats with our words and behavior, to smacking our lips together in a heated kiss that quite frankly left me utterly unable to move. Sex with Spencer had always been sensual, love making at its finest. We'd never use sex to solve an argument. Come to think of it, we never really argued before. Sure, we had our disagreements, but in reality, we only ended up tip toeing around one another, in fear of it cracking our perfect little bubble. I popped it the day he popped the question. 

Soon, Spencer was pulling at my shirt while I was unbuckling his pants. In a rampage of desire and unprocessed emotions, we wound up fucking each other senseless. Every scar my nails dug into his back, every bite his teeth left along my neck, we let it all out into the open. As I laid against my pillow after cuming for what had to of been the fourth or fifth time, I looked at him. I really took a moment and looked at Spencer. His face still had the goofy smile it always did after sex together, but there was something deep in his gorgeous brown eyes that hadn't been there before. Guilt. For what he felt guilty for, I hadn't registered yet. He laid down next to me, and held me tight, almost like he was crushing me into his chest. It felt wonderful. 

\-------♥-------- 

•Spencer•

I could kill myself right now. Here I am in bed with the woman who literally smashed my heart right in front of me, while another woman I have growing feelings for is on the other side of town, none the wiser. Why? Why did I let myself get caught up with Y/N again? She's like a drug that I thought I kicked, but discovered I had a craving I never knew I had until I inhaled her again for the first time in a long time. Up until now, I never understood why the term 'angry sex' meant. I prided myself on always making love to the women I've slept with. But what just happened, with Y/N? That was not making love. That was more of an animalistic, pure, inhibited primal devouring type of sex. I hate myself even more, because I've never felt more alive in my life. For a brief moment, I considered the possibility of getting back together with Y/N. Unfortunately, I couldn't imagine a future where we'd be happy. Not the type that both of us deserve. In truth, we weren't meant for each other. We were like moths to a flame. Destined to burn the other to death. I allowed myself to look at her one last time. She seemed so at peace, laying there, almost without a care in the world. 

I managed to untangle myself from her sleeping limbs, got dressed and was about to walk out her door. Something stopped me. What, I don't know. Then, I remembered. She had once been thoughtful enough to leave me a note. I should, at least, extend her the same courtesy. I pulled out a pad of paper and a pen from my satchel. 

Y/N,  
Please, lose my number.  
I hate myself for having cheated  
on someone I care about...with you.  
I believe now more than ever  
that we don't belong together.  
Like oil and water.  
We shouldn't mix.  
Bad things happen.  
We're toxic together.  
I do wish you all the best.  
~Spencer

\-------♥-------- 

The next day, I went to Emma. I apologized profusely and said I'd understand if she never wanted to see me again. I royally screwed up. She told me to give her a few days to see if she could forgive me. I waited. Two weeks went by, radio silence. I balled like a baby. I guess the universe felt I was deserving enough to be dealt such shitty hands when it came to love. I was more pathetic than some unsubs we've come across. 

Another few days later, I got a call from Emma. I couldn't believe it. 

She gave me one last chance. I never let her down since. 

\-------♥-------- 

It's been years now since I've seen or heard from Y/N. Occasionally, her name and face will cross my mind, but then vanish as soon as it came. I was taking a stroll through the park one day, deciding to visit someone I hadn't in a long time. Once I'd said my goodbyes, I could help but notice a familiar name etched in stone. I fell to my knees and covered my mouth with my hand, allowing a tear or two to fall from my eyes. 

"Oh, no." 

The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight  
And there wouldn't be a reason why  
We would even have to say goodbye  
If the world was ending  
You'd come over right  
Right?  
If the world was ending  
You'd come over right  
Right?

•Reader•

I woke up with a newfound purpose within. Like somehow everything in the last 24 hours managed to glue me back together. It wasn't perfect, and I still had more to work on than I was willing to admit, but it was a starting point. Rolling over, now opening my eyes, I caught a glimpse of myself in my full length mirror across from the bed on the wall. I saw a smile on my face I hadn't seen in years. It was unreal. 

I peered over to see if Spencer was still asleep. 

My smile fell the moment I saw the empty space next to me. 

Don't panic, I thought. Maybe he's in the kitchen making breakfast. I padded my way outside the bedroom to the coffee machine. As I was brewing myself and Spencer a cup, I saw a carefully folded note on the island sitting on top of the bowl of fruit. It had my name written in his handwriting across it. 

I ripped it open, both excited, then afraid of what I was about to read. 

Tears fell from my eyes before the piece of paper ever made it to the floor. I sobbed uncontrollably. I glanced at the clock. Victoria wasn't due back to pick me up today for another four hours. Quickly, I filled the bathtub up. As I stepped in, I pulled an old, folded picture of the two of us from the week before the worst day of my life. A time when he looked so overjoyed to be with me. Why couldn't I have been happy? Why did I say no? I hate that I can't breathe, let alone live anymore without knowing those answers. It's literally killing me that not only can I never answer them, but now, Spencer is well and truly gone from my life. For good. 

I lean my head back against the cool tile. I have the picture held tightly inside my hand. I slowly sink down below the water. With all my might, I refuse to breathe for air. I don't deserve something as giving as air. Not for all the pain I've caused. As I feel myself losing consciousness, I can only hope that Spencer forgives himself one day. I hope he's strong enough to do what I'm afraid I never will. 

But if the world was ending  
You'd come over right  
You'd come over and you'd stay the night  
Would you love me for the hell of it  
All our fears would be irrelevant  
If the world was ending  
You'd come over right  
The sky'd be falling while I'd hold you tight  
No there wouldn't be a reason why  
We would even have to say goodbye  
If the world was ending  
You'd come over right  
You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over right

If the world was ending  
You'd come over right


End file.
